Life as I know it...

Hey world...


So, I'm not even going to apologise for being M.I.A (no pun intended) again for a while. I seem to come and go when the mood takes me. I can't get a routine with blogging any more than I can with my life or my eating disorder. All over the place kinda sums me up in all aspects of my life.


So why today?


Majorly struggling right now and I just need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Well 'virtual' paper at least. Life is so stressful of late. My husband is facing redundancy which is awful and I need to be positive and not panic for him which is difficult because I obviously feel the opposite. Plus this puts massive pressure on me financially. I was hoping to take a new job which would mean much less hours and time away from home than in my current job which is a major trigger for me as its very isolating and there is little to distract me from binge/purge urges. I was offered the job and now it looks like I can't take it because its less money and now we need every penny just to have a hope of being able to pay the bills. I can't say anything to my husband because I don't want to make him feel bad but it just kills me that I will probably have to turn it down. I was pinning so much of my hopes for recovery on it and also just for my general state of mind.


My husband and I are already really struggling with our relationship at the moment anyway and last week we came very close to splitting up for good- which still might happen. I spent some nights at my Mum's and we had decided we just didn't work anymore. This was sucha painful decision and emotionally I was wrecked. We went away for the night on Friday to fully talk things over and we decided to give ourselves two months too sort things out. But I know we are on very thin ice and I am scared to move for fear of falling under. I'm so confused about the whole situation. I don't know what I think, what I want, how to fix things, if I want to fix things? I'm just lost.


Also, my family could have their own T.V show with the amount of drama they bring along with them which I'm constantly dragged into to 'solve' everything and all I really want to do right now is run for the hills! Which obviously I can't do so I do my best to be there for everyone. But I don't have the energy to fix anyone. I have no idea how to fix myself.


I've really been struggling with depression and thoughts of self harm- (which so far, I have managed to avoid- though it has come very close) but I guess with everything going on its hardly suprising. I can't stand my reflection right now. I see myself and I want to be sick. I hate what I see and I hate that its getting worse and I hate that I can't stop it like I used to be able to do.


Getting through a day at work has been killing me because I'm so tired and wrapped up in all this confusion and feeling ill because ED has been so much worse. I'm going to bed crying every night because the thought of the next day is just too overwhelming. I've had constant headaches for almost a week and I just feel like I'm done. But I can't be done. So to deal, I have been convincing myself that I need my eating disorder more than recovery because it will give me that focus, that distraction from everything else and that if I can starve instead of binge and purge then I will feel in control of something at least.


I'm so frustrated because I feel like I've been stuck in limbo, halfway between recovery and this existence with ED for so long. I started trying to take steps towards recovery not long after I first went for treatment, so there was a year of this inbetween chaos while I was on the waiting list to be seen about my eating disorder. Binging only became a frequent thing for me during the waiting time for treatment. I resent that bulimia took over when I was trying to do better. Bulimia made everything worse. The truth is, I didn't actually mind my ED when I was restricting and only b/p-ing occasionally, and therefore losing weight. I didn't even want recovery then. I was forced into it to save a marriage that might fail anyway and I feel angry.


I don't want bulimia. But right now I don't want recovery either. I want to go back. Back to before I went for treatment and was just fasting and only b/p-ing on occasion. I was miserable then too but at least I had structure to my life and I was losing weight and not gaining. I didn't feel like such a failure. Now I fail at both ED and recovery. A huge part of me wants to give up ideas of recovery and focus on trying to fast and lose weight again. And part of me is terrified that I will never get that back now bulimia is so in control of me.


All I want is to lose what I've gained over the past 18 months and then I can contemplate recovery again. I know its wrong to think like that but I just don't know how else to hold on. I can't carry on like this. I don't want to be here like this. :'( Everythings wrong and everything hurts.


What else can I do?